This picture was taken Thursday, who know that Friday would be her last day with us? She went outside while I was putting groceries in the house and was hit my a car. The car stopped looked back and then kept going.
I hated seeing her in pain. Just that morning, she came downstairs to lay with me on the couch until Zay woke up and now that will never happen again.
My initial reaction was idk, I didn’t want to touch her and then I carried her out the street and then to the hospital. Her injuries range and who has 4,000 dollars to what the doctors said may not help and she could die either way. So I decided to put her to sleep. Hearing her injuries hurt my heart and made me cry.
Never lost a pet like this and that shit hurts. Fuck November… as Tuesday the approaches with a reminder of my mother’s death.
I wonder if he knows I battling depression. Idk why I wonder but its little things he does. I can be in a mood and he comes over and says “Hi” loudly and in my face looking me dead in the eye. Other times he just brings all his stuff where I am and plays all while having some body party mostly his feet on me.
I feel bad because I feel like I’m bringing my feelings on to him. So random moments I try and lift my spirits and play but for the most part I just want to sleep.
I miss genuine company but most days I just want the quiet and alone time. I cry silently and loudly at times. Im frustrated more days then most. But I wonder if he knows what’s going on with his mommy.
I hate when you go thru something that is traumatic to you, and people seems to think you should just get over it. They make you feel like it was a one time thing and your dwelling on it too long. How am I supposed to move on when my feelings and emotions are all over the place? If I’m not working or doing mom stuff I want to sleep because that’s the only time I don’t feel things.
I saw this pic and it helped me so much. Because I felt like I needed some validation that what I’m feeling is okay. That’s sad to me. Why do I always need validation to be okay with what I’m feeling?
Today was a mixture of emotions. I dwelled on what people words are when you are going thru shit. I believe they just say things because it sounds like what you are supposed to say, but you don’t mean it. I felt something I haven’t felt in years, I felt feelings of not just only wanting to no longer feel but understanding why someone would take their own life. I know shocker… but when you ask for help and you don’t take the necessary steps to get help. The people that are around you can’t help you, miss all the warning signs becuase they accept the I’m fine speech. Its crazy. I looked at my son today and I knew that suicide wouldn’t be the way to go after all who would he have? Thats weird to even admit that but if that’s the only thing holding you here guess I better hold on. Its hard because who can you be emotionally vulnerable with that will be there and allow you to be that way without judgment? Or try to take advantage of the situation?
Its crazy to feel this way.. probably why I have been sleeping more and falling into my normal habits of ignore my feelings and pretending everything is okay.
So yesterday, I was gonna say tonmday but its a brand new day. I had a meeting with employee advisor services to seek help for everything that I have been going thru. Let me just say, I had no faith in this done to my visit a few years back.
They basically give you the run down on how things work, how they assist in getting you info on services that could help.
The lady really made me feel connected. I wish I could just talk to her. But of course I have to go elsewhere. But her advice and listening skills made me feel unjudged, and comfortable to speak my feelings. Needless to say I hope whoever I find is similar to her.