Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.
Searching for my voice,
Searching for validation,
PSTD as set in on me,
I open my mouth but words won’t come out,
I’m search for words and yet searching for me,
looking in the mirror but I can’t seem to see,
to shattered to see,
somehow I lost me,
But I’m dying and no one sees,
desperately seeking validation because my feelings don’t seems to be free,
tears still flows my eyes swollen you see,
my mind seems to be playing tricks on me,
I drowning in a series of moments you see,
can’t seem to find what I’m seeking you see,
validation never comes cuz I’m crazy you see?
my mind playing tricks and I can’t protect me,
just want acceptance you see?
I know I can only find it in me,
I’m aching to get back to me..
When we tell ourselves we are going to stop allowing certain things and then you end up going against the grain. Went thru an array of emotions last night. I felt so defeated and overwhelmed. I didn’t have it in me to fight. Tears fell and I wanted to scream but it was pointless, because of course I still search for validation when it comes to my feelings. Like I know I have ever reason to feel how I do, but when everyone around me seems oblivious or show to care about the situation I’m in my head wondering if I’m okay with thinking about how if I should feel how I feel about it.
Being hurt, disrespected and defeated I had no say in my own house so I just shut down. No peace in sight…. like how you walk around on eggshells when you invited this folks and can’t just shut everything down for the night and just be alone?
I definitely need to work on me a little hard. Why do I constantly seek validation of my feelings?
I started off the year all wrong, or maybe somehow I can turn this lesson into a blessing?
This picture was taken Thursday, who know that Friday would be her last day with us? She went outside while I was putting groceries in the house and was hit my a car. The car stopped looked back and then kept going.
I hated seeing her in pain. Just that morning, she came downstairs to lay with me on the couch until Zay woke up and now that will never happen again.
My initial reaction was idk, I didn’t want to touch her and then I carried her out the street and then to the hospital. Her injuries range and who has 4,000 dollars to what the doctors said may not help and she could die either way. So I decided to put her to sleep. Hearing her injuries hurt my heart and made me cry.
Never lost a pet like this and that shit hurts. Fuck November… as Tuesday the approaches with a reminder of my mother’s death.