Its crazy how we can offer up the advice when we are on the outside, yet when we are in the inside we cannot see. Or should I say choose not to see… all the 🚩.
Looking at my last situationship that ended in domestic violence. This man told me what he wanted, although his actions spoke different. I felt myself confused at time. Being constantly pushed away and pulled back in. Like why was I craving for his attention, seekimg is acceptance and approval of what kind of women I was?
I was so caught up with him being a Gemini like my mom. Having his birthday the same day as my mom. Idk why but that pulled me in more and it’s like I couldn’t disconnect. I would’ve no matter my safety or well being. I sat and allowed this man to be super disrespectful but believed he truly did love me. Believed many times over that all those females were jealous of our relationship. That as he said many times, “You got the best seat at the table.” Knowing damn well tables comes with 2 or more chairs.. so what advantage did I really have? What was I getting?
Pastor Cal asked Paige, “Did you continue to have sex with him?” She shyly smile which indicated yes. He asked, “why?” That question there hit home!! Where is Pastor Cal when you need him? Does he offer virtual counseling? I need him, his real and rawness to get to the root and core to fix it and gain understanding.
I asked myself why? I came up with every excuse and it just sounded stupid. This man told everyone i was a crazy stalker, yet he loved me, always wanted me around even when he had other females there. Took me to family functions, bought me stuff, and etc. More importantly would get jealous when others showed me attention, except for those he know stood no chance. It never made sense, yet I love him. Fell deeply in love with him for it to end with several punches to the face.
Paige I definitely understand you, hopefully you end this unhealthy thing before it breaks you and breaks your spirit like it did mine. I dont habe faith in words men say because I have heard them before, and look where it got me.
Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.
Defeated, Broken, Overwhelmed, That’s me, Searching for my voice, Searching for validation, Tears roll, PSTD as set in on me, I open my mouth but words won’t come out, I’m search for words and yet searching for me, looking in the mirror but I can’t seem to see, unrecognizable, to shattered to see, somehow I lost me, I smile I laugh But I’m dying and no one sees, desperately seeking validation because my feelings don’t seems to be free, tears still flows my eyes swollen you see, my mind seems to be playing tricks on me, dismissed, discarded, broken, that’s me, I drowning in a series of moments you see, can’t seem to find what I’m seeking you see, validation never comes cuz I’m crazy you see? my mind playing tricks and I can’t protect me, heart breaking, just want acceptance you see? I know I can only find it in me, its hurting, I’m aching to get back to me..
When we tell ourselves we are going to stop allowing certain things and then you end up going against the grain. Went thru an array of emotions last night. I felt so defeated and overwhelmed. I didn’t have it in me to fight. Tears fell and I wanted to scream but it was pointless, because of course I still search for validation when it comes to my feelings. Like I know I have ever reason to feel how I do, but when everyone around me seems oblivious or show to care about the situation I’m in my head wondering if I’m okay with thinking about how if I should feel how I feel about it.
Being hurt, disrespected and defeated I had no say in my own house so I just shut down. No peace in sight…. like how you walk around on eggshells when you invited this folks and can’t just shut everything down for the night and just be alone?
I definitely need to work on me a little hard. Why do I constantly seek validation of my feelings?
I started off the year all wrong, or maybe somehow I can turn this lesson into a blessing?