Today I woke up thinking how quickly unloved someone. It doesn’t seem possible on my part. I have wonder how simple things could be. We try and move on. But the hurt pulls at us. I wondered to myself and maybe it will sound stupid but what if he actually had the balls to apologize. How would I feel? What would I do or say in response. I’ve made up in my head how I would respond or whether not I would. I feel like I most likely walk off. In my head I would accept it but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing so. Its weird tho… like I feel better typing this versus saying this out loud. I know if anyone heard this they would think ill of me or call me stupid. Like I wondered did I really love this man or the idea of his potential? But I think I accepted that I truly allowed myself to let my guard down and allow myself more with him than I have anyone in a long time.
As I walked home from work yesterday, I thought of my son’s father. How he may have been hurt to know that although I loved him dearly what I felt didn’t match what I felt for this man. But maybe I’m wrong. But I know I had my guard up with my son’s dad. I didn’t feel emotionally safe with him. Where as this man made me feel that way, even though I found out it was not true. Nor was a physically safe.
I didnt mean to hurt my son’s father by feeling this way. But I guess now I understand his hurt.
The lessons I’m learning and the time I have to think of this as I am. Idk maybe it will help with me moving forward.
Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.
When we tell ourselves we are going to stop allowing certain things and then you end up going against the grain. Went thru an array of emotions last night. I felt so defeated and overwhelmed. I didn’t have it in me to fight. Tears fell and I wanted to scream but it was pointless, because of course I still search for validation when it comes to my feelings. Like I know I have ever reason to feel how I do, but when everyone around me seems oblivious or show to care about the situation I’m in my head wondering if I’m okay with thinking about how if I should feel how I feel about it.
Being hurt, disrespected and defeated I had no say in my own house so I just shut down. No peace in sight…. like how you walk around on eggshells when you invited this folks and can’t just shut everything down for the night and just be alone?
I definitely need to work on me a little hard. Why do I constantly seek validation of my feelings?
I started off the year all wrong, or maybe somehow I can turn this lesson into a blessing?