Today I woke up thinking how quickly unloved someone. It doesn’t seem possible on my part. I have wonder how simple things could be. We try and move on. But the hurt pulls at us. I wondered to myself and maybe it will sound stupid but what if he actually had the balls to apologize. How would I feel? What would I do or say in response. I’ve made up in my head how I would respond or whether not I would. I feel like I most likely walk off. In my head I would accept it but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing so. Its weird tho… like I feel better typing this versus saying this out loud. I know if anyone heard this they would think ill of me or call me stupid. Like I wondered did I really love this man or the idea of his potential? But I think I accepted that I truly allowed myself to let my guard down and allow myself more with him than I have anyone in a long time.
As I walked home from work yesterday, I thought of my son’s father. How he may have been hurt to know that although I loved him dearly what I felt didn’t match what I felt for this man. But maybe I’m wrong. But I know I had my guard up with my son’s dad. I didn’t feel emotionally safe with him. Where as this man made me feel that way, even though I found out it was not true. Nor was a physically safe.
I didnt mean to hurt my son’s father by feeling this way. But I guess now I understand his hurt.
The lessons I’m learning and the time I have to think of this as I am. Idk maybe it will help with me moving forward.