Well this is as good as any place to vent and get these thoughts outside of my head. Today I woke up in a funk, between trivial shit and then missing my mom. I sat back and thought why am I feeling the way I have been when I get in these funks. I’m too emotional, I take certain things way too personal. I’m caught up feeling things I haven’t allowed myself to feel. The fact that I cannot control these array of emotions, brings me deeper into this funk. I get to the point where I don’t want to be seen, heard or anything. I don’t want to feel anything. I wish often that I was void of emotions because at times I feel weak. Today, I wanted to cry twice, but I won’t allow myself to. Both times a particular song played and they reminded me of my mom. I promptly turned the song off and on to something more upbeat.
As I type this right now, my emotion is blah mixed with done. I hate feeling like this. I know I’m simply masking the emotion of feeling helpless. I want to take 3 steps back but I seem to leap forward more into this depression. I thought I beat this, but I find myself looking for someone to give me back my happiness. I know that is so wrong on many levels. I used to make myself happy. I feel like when my mom passed a part of me did as well. I’m just tryna figure out how to I get that part back.