Posted in depression, men, mood, opinions, Personal, Reflection, relationships, Thoughts, Trending, Uncategorized, venting, women

I see myself in her

Its crazy how we can offer up the advice when we are on the outside, yet when we are in the inside we cannot see. Or should I say choose not to see… all the 🚩.

Looking at my last situationship that ended in domestic violence. This man told me what he wanted, although his actions spoke different. I felt myself confused at time. Being constantly pushed away and pulled back in. Like why was I craving for his attention, seekimg is acceptance and approval of what kind of women I was?

I was so caught up with him being a Gemini like my mom. Having his birthday the same day as my mom. Idk why but that pulled me in more and it’s like I couldn’t disconnect. I would’ve no matter my safety or well being. I sat and allowed this man to be super disrespectful but believed he truly did love me. Believed many times over that all those females were jealous of our relationship. That as he said many times, “You got the best seat at the table.” Knowing damn well tables comes with 2 or more chairs.. so what advantage did I really have? What was I getting?

Pastor Cal asked Paige, “Did you continue to have sex with him?” She shyly smile which indicated yes. He asked, “why?” That question there hit home!! Where is Pastor Cal when you need him? Does he offer virtual counseling? I need him, his real and rawness to get to the root and core to fix it and gain understanding.

I asked myself why? I came up with every excuse and it just sounded stupid. This man told everyone i was a crazy stalker, yet he loved me, always wanted me around even when he had other females there. Took me to family functions, bought me stuff, and etc. More importantly would get jealous when others showed me attention, except for those he know stood no chance. It never made sense, yet I love him. Fell deeply in love with him for it to end with several punches to the face.

Paige I definitely understand you, hopefully you end this unhealthy thing before it breaks you and breaks your spirit like it did mine. I dont habe faith in words men say because I have heard them before, and look where it got me.

Posted in men, mood, Quotes, random, Reflection, relationships, Thoughts, Uncategorized, women

Let someone love you…

“Let someone love you the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.” ~ Mark Hack

Posted in depression, mood, Personal

Sleep In Peace

Misty

This picture was taken Thursday, who know that Friday would be her last day with us? She went outside while I was putting groceries in the house and was hit my a car. The car stopped looked back and then kept going.

I hated seeing her in pain. Just that morning, she came downstairs to lay with me on the couch until Zay woke up and now that will never happen again.

My initial reaction was idk, I didn’t want to touch her and then I carried her out the street and then to the hospital. Her injuries range and who has 4,000 dollars to what the doctors said may not help and she could die either way. So I decided to put her to sleep. Hearing her injuries hurt my heart and made me cry.

Never lost a pet like this and that shit hurts. Fuck November… as Tuesday the approaches with a reminder of my mother’s death.

Fuck 2020.

Posted in depression, Domestic violence, mood, opinions, Personal, random, Thoughts

EAS

So yesterday, I was gonna say tonmday but its a brand new day. I had a meeting with employee advisor services to seek help for everything that I have been going thru. Let me just say, I had no faith in this done to my visit a few years back.

They basically give you the run down on how things work, how they assist in getting you info on services that could help.

The lady really made me feel connected. I wish I could just talk to her. But of course I have to go elsewhere. But her advice and listening skills made me feel unjudged, and comfortable to speak my feelings. Needless to say I hope whoever I find is similar to her.

I felt a little better after talking to her.

Posted in mood, opinions, Personal, random, Reflection

So

So just an update, I haven’t mediated since the first 2 days I started. Idk I tried but didn’t seem like it worked for me. Because being an emotional mess, I’m horny all the time. Lol 😂🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️.

I debating on getting a buddy, but I think that may be good and bad. My headaches have seemed to slow down from having them everyday and/or waking up with a full blown migraines.

Court dates looming, medical follows and ugh! Part of me wants it all over or to pretend it never happened but it did.