Posted in depression, mood, Personal, Thoughts, venting

Untitled

Today was a tuff day for me, well yesterday since its 1 am. It started out fine but I allowed people to effect my mood. I cried a few times in a room by myself. You ever just be done…. like exhausted from having the same conversations over and over again. You are too drained to exchange the words, so your tears just take over because you can’t?

Thats where I was. I cried alone hiding under my covers and cooking dinner thinking about the shit. I just need peace and when you have no where to go to get it.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror half the time. I look at me and just feel defeated. Sorry I just need to get this out of my head. Im fighting battles I can’t win.

Posted in opinions, random, Thoughts, Trending, Uncategorized, venting

On Gabriel Fernandez

I don’t care what are your past traumas as a child growing up or whatever. You should never be the person or allow someone in your life to take your child’s life.

I know as a parent our kids test us from time to time but if you feel you cannot be a parent let someone else raise and love your child the way they deserve. I had to stop watching that tonight… because that hurt my heart as a mother. How could you?!

Posted in Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized, venting

Unraveling

I feel like I wanna scream or just cry. With no one to vent to or just be there and listen without judgment or their easy way to fix it all. I feel broken and no one around me seems to care or want to check in on me. Even when they do I say I’m fine. I don’t wanna burden anyone with all this hurt I have stored inside of me. I’m search for someone to fill a void no one can feel. I miss me.

Posted in Personal, relationships, Thoughts, venting

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Can someone say they love you, and make you feel so undeniably insecure? 

I have never really been an insecure person, but at the risk of sounding dumb and so very caught up that’s where I am right now. I’m in love someone who I know loves me, says they want a future with me. But in this very moment has me feeling insecure. At this point one of two things going on, you love me but your not in love with me. So you’re entertaining a temporary person and if that doesn’t work I’m your faithful so let’s make this work. Or you love me, but rather than let me go because you don’t want what I want right now, you want me to wait in the wings until you are ready?

It’s been made very clear that you can’t handle the idea of me entertaining anyone else, but I’m supposed to believe this person that is claiming you is just crazy? Nah, my heart wants to believe you but my head is screaming “Let It Go”! I have already emotionally checked out of the situation (outwardly) but inside the storm is brewing. I cannot make anyone fall in love with me. Any more than I can make anyone want me. I’m far from perfect but I feel we are soulmates, but maybe that just a figment of my imagination.

If we reverse this situation, would you be able to handle what you are dishing out? Let’s be honest.. nope!! Sure I  can just jump to the next, but I know what I want and at this point the fish in the see are on the wave of let’s be friends. I’m not budging because I know what I want and deserve.

Love is a very tricky and emotional thing. Something I have been trying to avoid since my last real relationship. I held on to the point that we got in engaged, he cheated, I took him back and we planned a baby, I got pregnant, we told our families, he got married a week later to the girl he cheated on me with. <====== The damage that does, is hard to come back from but I did. I vowed to never let anyone hurt me like that again. I don’t want to be an option. You either want me or you don’t.

Is it too much to ask someone to love me, the way that I love them. And be loyal and be just for me, like I would be for them?

 

 

Posted in mood, Personal, venting

Stop Pretending

We all are guilty at some point in our lives of getting caught up in the idea of something. I have been caught up in an idea that relationships are working, when clearly they are not.

To quite honest, I have been caught up in mixed signals when words speak more true and as of late actions. Here I am settling down to prepare for a relationship that is never gonna happen. Who am I kidding? I need to stop pretending things are as I want them to be.

Hate to sound pitiful but if I’m being honest, I doubt I’m going to be in any relationship any time soon. Why? Because I feel myself always trying to prove that I’m worthy of being picked, worthy to be that someone to someone. Being told I’m a good woman, just never good enough for anyone I want to date. Or not believe anyone who is interested in me. Mostly because most ppl are interested because they want to be with me intimately only. Maybe that’s the vibe I give off. Idk… maybe I just need time to myself.

But honestly, I have tired that and then someone gets my attention. And of course I’m caught up in the idea yet again only to be let down.

Idk guys felt like venting…