I’m about to be as honest as I can be. I feel like I’m on auto pilot. Trying to hide what’s really going on in my head.
Like depression doesn’t go away. I have good days and bad days. I feel like the ones that should be paying attention aren’t. I push people away and get mad when they stay away and carry on with life. Like you don’t notice?
I feel like most people don’t consider my feelings. And I’m not talking about strangers you know. I’m fine. I’m good. When really I’m not. I lack the assistant of those around me for any outlet. So when I say I’m on autopilot I’m just moving because I know I can’t stop because no one will help those I care for in my household. I’ve been silence because what I say bothers most and they feel a way and have to explain to other when they ask am I ok.
I had a conversation when one of the people I actually talk to and I said. I don’t really talk to my sisters about what’s going on with me mentally or whatever because I know what can happened if I do. So the conversations I choose to participate in are general or surface conversations. And if you know me that’s not me. I barely want them around for various reasons. But I know I’m not emotionally safe for fear it will be used against me. Or one who I dont really talk to will use it to attack me later. Talk about PTSD.
My daughter is another trigger. Like I avoid conversations because they randomly lead to arguments. Like over the stupidest stuff. She lives her. But helps when she feels like it. So I’m mostly fending for myself even when I’m overwhelmed. Like part of me wants her to go but I worry about where she will end up. After many arguments she stated I’m a bad mom. For not knowing whats going on in her life, as if she tells me. Also, she can’t talk to me (she also said thats why no one in the family talks to me also). And last but not least, Idk her. Ummm okay? Everyone that knows me knows her tone when she talks to me so yes I tune her out and/or check her. But apparently I’m doing it wrong, (what are aunties for) at least thats what my family says because I should take in account her feelings.
So back to it just being me. And they wonder why I have migraines my blood pressure is up and my hair was falling out. Holding everything in is costing me. Tell me why havent I called this therapist? Because when would I have time. And imagine me talking to her while home and my daughter decides to come down and argue with me because I’m talking about her at some point. Yeah….
I don’t want to play victim as my son’s dad will say when he is verbal abusing me. But hey my family or my sister still talks to him even after he made threats to me and hasn’t seen his son..oh my bad a few days before his birthday he took him to the corner store for snacks and left. But even letting him take him gives me anxiety because he never tells me for how long or whatever and if Im not home it can potentially turn into an argument.
Its crazy how we can offer up the advice when we are on the outside, yet when we are in the inside we cannot see. Or should I say choose not to see… all the 🚩.
Looking at my last situationship that ended in domestic violence. This man told me what he wanted, although his actions spoke different. I felt myself confused at time. Being constantly pushed away and pulled back in. Like why was I craving for his attention, seekimg is acceptance and approval of what kind of women I was?
I was so caught up with him being a Gemini like my mom. Having his birthday the same day as my mom. Idk why but that pulled me in more and it’s like I couldn’t disconnect. I would’ve no matter my safety or well being. I sat and allowed this man to be super disrespectful but believed he truly did love me. Believed many times over that all those females were jealous of our relationship. That as he said many times, “You got the best seat at the table.” Knowing damn well tables comes with 2 or more chairs.. so what advantage did I really have? What was I getting?
Pastor Cal asked Paige, “Did you continue to have sex with him?” She shyly smile which indicated yes. He asked, “why?” That question there hit home!! Where is Pastor Cal when you need him? Does he offer virtual counseling? I need him, his real and rawness to get to the root and core to fix it and gain understanding.
I asked myself why? I came up with every excuse and it just sounded stupid. This man told everyone i was a crazy stalker, yet he loved me, always wanted me around even when he had other females there. Took me to family functions, bought me stuff, and etc. More importantly would get jealous when others showed me attention, except for those he know stood no chance. It never made sense, yet I love him. Fell deeply in love with him for it to end with several punches to the face.
Paige I definitely understand you, hopefully you end this unhealthy thing before it breaks you and breaks your spirit like it did mine. I dont habe faith in words men say because I have heard them before, and look where it got me.
Never in a million years would I ever think this would be my story. But it is:
This is not love! How can someone do this and say they love you? To tell you I’m okay would be an utter lie. I’m slowly healing physically. I have been the doctors more than I have been in many years or when I had seizures as often as I did in my childhood.
I’m broken, I was already dealing with depression and then this happens. I acknowledge I should’ve left this man alone a while ago because he didn’t mean me no good. He mentally and physically abused me and I allowed it. It took for him to do this for me to finally walk away. I’m thankful because I’m alive. After being pushed down a narrow flight of stairs and punches on with closed fist the multiple times. I made it out alive.
Mentally scared but alive. Today I finally reached out to get counseling because I need to heal from this and know my worth and understand that someone abusing you physically, mentally or any other type of abuse is not acceptable. I never to see the signs and walk away when they are not for me. Rather than get caught up in the person I see them for.
Pray for me guys… I’m taking the necessary steps to heal and grow. I do not want this to define me, I want it to make me see exactly who I am. Go back to loving myself and showing myself how much I love myself in my actions, my words and my energy.
Today was a tuff day for me, well yesterday since its 1 am. It started out fine but I allowed people to effect my mood. I cried a few times in a room by myself. You ever just be done…. like exhausted from having the same conversations over and over again. You are too drained to exchange the words, so your tears just take over because you can’t?
Thats where I was. I cried alone hiding under my covers and cooking dinner thinking about the shit. I just need peace and when you have no where to go to get it.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror half the time. I look at me and just feel defeated. Sorry I just need to get this out of my head. Im fighting battles I can’t win.