Posted in depression, Domestic violence, Personal, Reflection, venting

Never in a million

Never in a million years would I ever think this would be my story. But it is:

This is not love! How can someone do this and say they love you? To tell you I’m okay would be an utter lie. I’m slowly healing physically. I have been the doctors more than I have been in many years or when I had seizures as often as I did in my childhood.

I’m broken, I was already dealing with depression and then this happens. I acknowledge I should’ve left this man alone a while ago because he didn’t mean me no good. He mentally and physically abused me and I allowed it. It took for him to do this for me to finally walk away. I’m thankful because I’m alive. After being pushed down a narrow flight of stairs and punches on with closed fist the multiple times. I made it out alive.

Mentally scared but alive. Today I finally reached out to get counseling because I need to heal from this and know my worth and understand that someone abusing you physically, mentally or any other type of abuse is not acceptable. I never to see the signs and walk away when they are not for me. Rather than get caught up in the person I see them for.

Pray for me guys… I’m taking the necessary steps to heal and grow. I do not want this to define me, I want it to make me see exactly who I am. Go back to loving myself and showing myself how much I love myself in my actions, my words and my energy.

Posted in depression, mood, Personal, Thoughts, venting

Untitled

Today was a tuff day for me, well yesterday since its 1 am. It started out fine but I allowed people to effect my mood. I cried a few times in a room by myself. You ever just be done…. like exhausted from having the same conversations over and over again. You are too drained to exchange the words, so your tears just take over because you can’t?

Thats where I was. I cried alone hiding under my covers and cooking dinner thinking about the shit. I just need peace and when you have no where to go to get it.

I can’t look at myself in the mirror half the time. I look at me and just feel defeated. Sorry I just need to get this out of my head. Im fighting battles I can’t win.

Posted in opinions, random, Thoughts, Trending, Uncategorized, venting

On Gabriel Fernandez

I don’t care what are your past traumas as a child growing up or whatever. You should never be the person or allow someone in your life to take your child’s life.

I know as a parent our kids test us from time to time but if you feel you cannot be a parent let someone else raise and love your child the way they deserve. I had to stop watching that tonight… because that hurt my heart as a mother. How could you?!

Posted in Personal, Thoughts, Uncategorized, venting

Unraveling

I feel like I wanna scream or just cry. With no one to vent to or just be there and listen without judgment or their easy way to fix it all. I feel broken and no one around me seems to care or want to check in on me. Even when they do I say I’m fine. I don’t wanna burden anyone with all this hurt I have stored inside of me. I’m search for someone to fill a void no one can feel. I miss me.

Posted in Personal, relationships, Thoughts, venting

Untitled

Can someone say they love you, and make you feel so undeniably insecure? 

I have never really been an insecure person, but at the risk of sounding dumb and so very caught up that’s where I am right now. I’m in love someone who I know loves me, says they want a future with me. But in this very moment has me feeling insecure. At this point one of two things going on, you love me but your not in love with me. So you’re entertaining a temporary person and if that doesn’t work I’m your faithful so let’s make this work. Or you love me, but rather than let me go because you don’t want what I want right now, you want me to wait in the wings until you are ready?

It’s been made very clear that you can’t handle the idea of me entertaining anyone else, but I’m supposed to believe this person that is claiming you is just crazy? Nah, my heart wants to believe you but my head is screaming “Let It Go”! I have already emotionally checked out of the situation (outwardly) but inside the storm is brewing. I cannot make anyone fall in love with me. Any more than I can make anyone want me. I’m far from perfect but I feel we are soulmates, but maybe that just a figment of my imagination.

If we reverse this situation, would you be able to handle what you are dishing out? Let’s be honest.. nope!! Sure I  can just jump to the next, but I know what I want and at this point the fish in the see are on the wave of let’s be friends. I’m not budging because I know what I want and deserve.

Love is a very tricky and emotional thing. Something I have been trying to avoid since my last real relationship. I held on to the point that we got in engaged, he cheated, I took him back and we planned a baby, I got pregnant, we told our families, he got married a week later to the girl he cheated on me with. <====== The damage that does, is hard to come back from but I did. I vowed to never let anyone hurt me like that again. I don’t want to be an option. You either want me or you don’t.

Is it too much to ask someone to love me, the way that I love them. And be loyal and be just for me, like I would be for them?