Why do I sign myself up for things I know mean me no good. I feel like I’m going crazy. I have explained and explained and the same result. I’m at a point where I feel like they do understand but want to continue the narrative that me expressing myself is the issue and I’m crazy. Like 🤔
I’m starting to second guess myself. I’m at a loss for words because honestly what else is there to say when you aren’t being heard?
I feel defeated 😞. I like quit… I say this and go right back like an entire dummy…. I’ve been praying for the light at the end of the tunnel to guide me out.
We really have to learn that not everyone is going to move the same we do. How I respond or react may be different from you, but that’s the beauty of being different.
How would the world look, if we all responded and acted the same?
Sometimes we are too emotionally invested in the actions of our friends and loved one. Sometimes rightfully so. But we have to know when to step back and allow them to take time to get where we are. I know its easier said then done. But we can love them from afar and be there when they need us the most. Most importantly not abandoning them.
Its crazy how we can offer up the advice when we are on the outside, yet when we are in the inside we cannot see. Or should I say choose not to see… all the 🚩.
Looking at my last situationship that ended in domestic violence. This man told me what he wanted, although his actions spoke different. I felt myself confused at time. Being constantly pushed away and pulled back in. Like why was I craving for his attention, seekimg is acceptance and approval of what kind of women I was?
I was so caught up with him being a Gemini like my mom. Having his birthday the same day as my mom. Idk why but that pulled me in more and it’s like I couldn’t disconnect. I would’ve no matter my safety or well being. I sat and allowed this man to be super disrespectful but believed he truly did love me. Believed many times over that all those females were jealous of our relationship. That as he said many times, “You got the best seat at the table.” Knowing damn well tables comes with 2 or more chairs.. so what advantage did I really have? What was I getting?
Pastor Cal asked Paige, “Did you continue to have sex with him?” She shyly smile which indicated yes. He asked, “why?” That question there hit home!! Where is Pastor Cal when you need him? Does he offer virtual counseling? I need him, his real and rawness to get to the root and core to fix it and gain understanding.
I asked myself why? I came up with every excuse and it just sounded stupid. This man told everyone i was a crazy stalker, yet he loved me, always wanted me around even when he had other females there. Took me to family functions, bought me stuff, and etc. More importantly would get jealous when others showed me attention, except for those he know stood no chance. It never made sense, yet I love him. Fell deeply in love with him for it to end with several punches to the face.
Paige I definitely understand you, hopefully you end this unhealthy thing before it breaks you and breaks your spirit like it did mine. I dont habe faith in words men say because I have heard them before, and look where it got me.
Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.