Posted in depression, men, mood, opinions, Personal, Reflection, relationships, Thoughts, Trending, Uncategorized, venting, women

I see myself in her

Its crazy how we can offer up the advice when we are on the outside, yet when we are in the inside we cannot see. Or should I say choose not to see… all the 🚩.

Looking at my last situationship that ended in domestic violence. This man told me what he wanted, although his actions spoke different. I felt myself confused at time. Being constantly pushed away and pulled back in. Like why was I craving for his attention, seekimg is acceptance and approval of what kind of women I was?

I was so caught up with him being a Gemini like my mom. Having his birthday the same day as my mom. Idk why but that pulled me in more and it’s like I couldn’t disconnect. I would’ve no matter my safety or well being. I sat and allowed this man to be super disrespectful but believed he truly did love me. Believed many times over that all those females were jealous of our relationship. That as he said many times, “You got the best seat at the table.” Knowing damn well tables comes with 2 or more chairs.. so what advantage did I really have? What was I getting?

Pastor Cal asked Paige, “Did you continue to have sex with him?” She shyly smile which indicated yes. He asked, “why?” That question there hit home!! Where is Pastor Cal when you need him? Does he offer virtual counseling? I need him, his real and rawness to get to the root and core to fix it and gain understanding.

I asked myself why? I came up with every excuse and it just sounded stupid. This man told everyone i was a crazy stalker, yet he loved me, always wanted me around even when he had other females there. Took me to family functions, bought me stuff, and etc. More importantly would get jealous when others showed me attention, except for those he know stood no chance. It never made sense, yet I love him. Fell deeply in love with him for it to end with several punches to the face.

Paige I definitely understand you, hopefully you end this unhealthy thing before it breaks you and breaks your spirit like it did mine. I dont habe faith in words men say because I have heard them before, and look where it got me.

Posted in depression, mood, Personal

Sleep In Peace

Misty

This picture was taken Thursday, who know that Friday would be her last day with us? She went outside while I was putting groceries in the house and was hit my a car. The car stopped looked back and then kept going.

I hated seeing her in pain. Just that morning, she came downstairs to lay with me on the couch until Zay woke up and now that will never happen again.

My initial reaction was idk, I didn’t want to touch her and then I carried her out the street and then to the hospital. Her injuries range and who has 4,000 dollars to what the doctors said may not help and she could die either way. So I decided to put her to sleep. Hearing her injuries hurt my heart and made me cry.

Never lost a pet like this and that shit hurts. Fuck November… as Tuesday the approaches with a reminder of my mother’s death.

Fuck 2020.

Posted in depression, Domestic violence, mood, opinions, Personal, random, Thoughts

EAS

So yesterday, I was gonna say tonmday but its a brand new day. I had a meeting with employee advisor services to seek help for everything that I have been going thru. Let me just say, I had no faith in this done to my visit a few years back.

They basically give you the run down on how things work, how they assist in getting you info on services that could help.

The lady really made me feel connected. I wish I could just talk to her. But of course I have to go elsewhere. But her advice and listening skills made me feel unjudged, and comfortable to speak my feelings. Needless to say I hope whoever I find is similar to her.

I felt a little better after talking to her.

Posted in depression, mood, opinions, Personal, Reflection, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Figured I’d Start Meditating

The other day I thought to myself maybe I should try mediating. My stress levels are high, since I’m epileptic and my right side of my brain has been showing seizure activity I have been places on meds. Now the meds may not work, because my childhood is proof of that, and most likely its stress related I need to find was to help with stop stressing.

Can’t hurt right?

So I tried this meditation video and idk if them talking does it for me. When the guy talked it kept scaring me, but then it again since it was my first time. I did it for 20 minutes tho. I feel way more relaxed tho. Tomorrow I will try for the whole 30 minutes.

Posted in depression, Domestic violence, Personal, Reflection, venting

Never in a million

Never in a million years would I ever think this would be my story. But it is:

This is not love! How can someone do this and say they love you? To tell you I’m okay would be an utter lie. I’m slowly healing physically. I have been the doctors more than I have been in many years or when I had seizures as often as I did in my childhood.

I’m broken, I was already dealing with depression and then this happens. I acknowledge I should’ve left this man alone a while ago because he didn’t mean me no good. He mentally and physically abused me and I allowed it. It took for him to do this for me to finally walk away. I’m thankful because I’m alive. After being pushed down a narrow flight of stairs and punches on with closed fist the multiple times. I made it out alive.

Mentally scared but alive. Today I finally reached out to get counseling because I need to heal from this and know my worth and understand that someone abusing you physically, mentally or any other type of abuse is not acceptable. I never to see the signs and walk away when they are not for me. Rather than get caught up in the person I see them for.

Pray for me guys… I’m taking the necessary steps to heal and grow. I do not want this to define me, I want it to make me see exactly who I am. Go back to loving myself and showing myself how much I love myself in my actions, my words and my energy.