Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.
When we tell ourselves we are going to stop allowing certain things and then you end up going against the grain. Went thru an array of emotions last night. I felt so defeated and overwhelmed. I didn’t have it in me to fight. Tears fell and I wanted to scream but it was pointless, because of course I still search for validation when it comes to my feelings. Like I know I have ever reason to feel how I do, but when everyone around me seems oblivious or show to care about the situation I’m in my head wondering if I’m okay with thinking about how if I should feel how I feel about it.
Being hurt, disrespected and defeated I had no say in my own house so I just shut down. No peace in sight…. like how you walk around on eggshells when you invited this folks and can’t just shut everything down for the night and just be alone?
I definitely need to work on me a little hard. Why do I constantly seek validation of my feelings?
I started off the year all wrong, or maybe somehow I can turn this lesson into a blessing?
So I was watching an interview with the talent and beautiful Phylicia Rashad. She said someone said to her this:
“An image can be broken, try and find out who you really are.”
That spoke to me tremendously. That will the quote I have in my mind when I meditate tonight.
I’m a state of mixed feelings. I want to feel love and affection but at the same time I just can’t actually deal with it. I feel like as much as I want it, I’m in a vulnerable state and I don’t want to dismiss the usual red flags or be taken advantage of.
Its not even the person per se, its more of a fear of being blinded like last time and getting involved with someone who means me no good. Even if they originally had the best intentions. Idk…. I can’t figure out why I feel that way? I’m in no rush to jump into anything.
Can anyone understand?