The other day I thought to myself maybe I should try mediating. My stress levels are high, since I’m epileptic and my right side of my brain has been showing seizure activity I have been places on meds. Now the meds may not work, because my childhood is proof of that, and most likely its stress related I need to find was to help with stop stressing.
Can’t hurt right?
So I tried this meditation video and idk if them talking does it for me. When the guy talked it kept scaring me, but then it again since it was my first time. I did it for 20 minutes tho. I feel way more relaxed tho. Tomorrow I will try for the whole 30 minutes.
I’m a state of mixed feelings. I want to feel love and affection but at the same time I just can’t actually deal with it. I feel like as much as I want it, I’m in a vulnerable state and I don’t want to dismiss the usual red flags or be taken advantage of.
Its not even the person per se, its more of a fear of being blinded like last time and getting involved with someone who means me no good. Even if they originally had the best intentions. Idk…. I can’t figure out why I feel that way? I’m in no rush to jump into anything.
Its hard loving someone and letting them go. You know its for the best, but I miss him. We had good times but I know it was an unhealthy relationship. Especially knowing he had no problem putting his hands on me.
I know I could never go back. But it is wrong to miss the good times?
I reached out to this program to get some counseling. I need to take back the power I have given so freely to other and give it back to myself. I’ve allowed others to change my mood, hurt me and I say nothing because I don’t want the confrontation.
But I can no longer keep silent, its only hurting me more..
Never in a million years would I ever think this would be my story. But it is:
This is not love! How can someone do this and say they love you? To tell you I’m okay would be an utter lie. I’m slowly healing physically. I have been the doctors more than I have been in many years or when I had seizures as often as I did in my childhood.
I’m broken, I was already dealing with depression and then this happens. I acknowledge I should’ve left this man alone a while ago because he didn’t mean me no good. He mentally and physically abused me and I allowed it. It took for him to do this for me to finally walk away. I’m thankful because I’m alive. After being pushed down a narrow flight of stairs and punches on with closed fist the multiple times. I made it out alive.
Mentally scared but alive. Today I finally reached out to get counseling because I need to heal from this and know my worth and understand that someone abusing you physically, mentally or any other type of abuse is not acceptable. I never to see the signs and walk away when they are not for me. Rather than get caught up in the person I see them for.
Pray for me guys… I’m taking the necessary steps to heal and grow. I do not want this to define me, I want it to make me see exactly who I am. Go back to loving myself and showing myself how much I love myself in my actions, my words and my energy.