Today. I’m in a meh mood. Had a dream I was around my mother although I couldn’t see her physically there. I was annoyed by it, somehow we was staying with her and yet I never saw her. I spoke with her while she was on her way to get an MRI. I cannot explain this dream. Idk what it means… but it was weird. I woke up getting ready to cry like I had been the past couple of days but Zay walked up to the bed and motioned for us to go downstairs and I said where are you underwear? I laughed and shook my head and follow him downstairs.
When we tell ourselves we are going to stop allowing certain things and then you end up going against the grain. Went thru an array of emotions last night. I felt so defeated and overwhelmed. I didn’t have it in me to fight. Tears fell and I wanted to scream but it was pointless, because of course I still search for validation when it comes to my feelings. Like I know I have ever reason to feel how I do, but when everyone around me seems oblivious or show to care about the situation I’m in my head wondering if I’m okay with thinking about how if I should feel how I feel about it.
Being hurt, disrespected and defeated I had no say in my own house so I just shut down. No peace in sight…. like how you walk around on eggshells when you invited this folks and can’t just shut everything down for the night and just be alone?
I definitely need to work on me a little hard. Why do I constantly seek validation of my feelings?
I started off the year all wrong, or maybe somehow I can turn this lesson into a blessing?
I hate when you go thru something that is traumatic to you, and people seems to think you should just get over it. They make you feel like it was a one time thing and your dwelling on it too long. How am I supposed to move on when my feelings and emotions are all over the place? If I’m not working or doing mom stuff I want to sleep because that’s the only time I don’t feel things.
I saw this pic and it helped me so much. Because I felt like I needed some validation that what I’m feeling is okay. That’s sad to me. Why do I always need validation to be okay with what I’m feeling?
So just an update, I haven’t mediated since the first 2 days I started. Idk I tried but didn’t seem like it worked for me. Because being an emotional mess, I’m horny all the time. Lol 😂🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️.
I debating on getting a buddy, but I think that may be good and bad. My headaches have seemed to slow down from having them everyday and/or waking up with a full blown migraines.
Court dates looming, medical follows and ugh! Part of me wants it all over or to pretend it never happened but it did.
The other day I thought to myself maybe I should try mediating. My stress levels are high, since I’m epileptic and my right side of my brain has been showing seizure activity I have been places on meds. Now the meds may not work, because my childhood is proof of that, and most likely its stress related I need to find was to help with stop stressing.
Can’t hurt right?
So I tried this meditation video and idk if them talking does it for me. When the guy talked it kept scaring me, but then it again since it was my first time. I did it for 20 minutes tho. I feel way more relaxed tho. Tomorrow I will try for the whole 30 minutes.