Posted in Music Mondays, Personal

Music Monday: A Song For Mama

Posted in Personal

Mom

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I loss my mother is pass week, the day before Thanksgiving to be exact. It was sudden and I still don’t know how I feel. I feel like I have been walking around on autopilot. The initial news was like a blow to the chest, it hurt and I cried the most I’ve cried this year. And if you know me I’m not big on crying, but this shook me to the core. We had been having problems for a while and we recently started talking things seemed to be good and then this happens.

When people say “I’m sorry for your loss” I’m kind dumbfounded. I know they are talking to me and I know why, but part of me refuses to believe this is real. That my mother is no longer here in the physical sense. I can’t bear to put those 3 letters in front of her name and even when other people do, I’m still in denial.

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I came back to work today and present but I’m really not. I’m angry. Like how could this happen to my mom, she was supposed to live forever. I know that seems unrealistic but those were my thoughts. I find comfort knowing that she is at peace, she is no longer suffering physically or mentally.

This weekend she will be laid to rest and I’m dreading the services and whatever comes after this. I need prayer guys.. please pray for me and my family. Thanks in advance.

Posted in Personal

Fix What’s Broken

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I wish I could say my life was picture perfect but it’s not. I have many ups and down. In the last few months, let’s say 6 it has been the hardest. From dealing with preteen drama, my mother and I clashing over things she said while off her meds, and dealing with my love life (dating a man who was is locked up and fighting for his freedom. I know most may think that is the biggest problem but to me it’s not.

The issue with my mother is the bigger picture. Dealing with someone who has mental illness is like walking amongst a glass ridden field. You never know what you are gonna walked into. She gets in to these bad ways, where you damned if you try to get help and damned if you don’t. One more occasions then I’d like to remember we have bumped heads. The last two times lead to drastic measure. Once she call DYFS on my sisters and me for seeking help when she was off her meds. Having DYFS at your house on Christmas Eve inspecting and talking to your child about if I’m drugs, which it was clear I wasn’t. Also, making sure she was not being neglected. Yeah, caused a major riffed.

The last time involved my mother lashing out on my now 13-year-old daughter. Which took me to another place one that I will touch base on later. But in her mind she made up a lie and projected it on my daughter which made me not want either of my kids around her. But how does one fix things? You can’t say things like that and then say well I wasn’t on my meds. That doesn’t make things fine. At this point I don’t know how to approach her without her being defensive or getting to the bottom of her words.

It’s been almost 2 months since I have seen my mother. And I know her grandkids want to see how but how does one fix the problem?