We all are guilty at some point in our lives of getting caught up in the idea of something. I have been caught up in an idea that relationships are working, when clearly they are not.
To quite honest, I have been caught up in mixed signals when words speak more true and as of late actions. Here I am settling down to prepare for a relationship that is never gonna happen. Who am I kidding? I need to stop pretending things are as I want them to be.
Hate to sound pitiful but if I’m being honest, I doubt I’m going to be in any relationship any time soon. Why? Because I feel myself always trying to prove that I’m worthy of being picked, worthy to be that someone to someone. Being told I’m a good woman, just never good enough for anyone I want to date. Or not believe anyone who is interested in me. Mostly because most ppl are interested because they want to be with me intimately only. Maybe that’s the vibe I give off. Idk… maybe I just need time to myself.
But honestly, I have tired that and then someone gets my attention. And of course I’m caught up in the idea yet again only to be let down.
Idk guys felt like venting…
Now if you follow me on social media especially facebook, I share thoughts. Usually these thoughts are based off a conversation I had with a friend. Almost always, someone jumps into their feelings when reading what I posted. In their mind I have subliminally attacked them, so they end up asking me is that post directed at them. I Hate That Question!! I have a motto, if you think or assume it’s about you at that point it is.
I have in fact pointed out how they can feel that it is directed at them especially when they explain why they thought it was directed at them. But seriously, half the time I’m not thinking of anyone when I post things. I simply had a conversation and wanted to share my thoughts or parts of the conversation to get others people input.
I wish I had the Moragn Freeman meme… ya’ll know which one I’m talking about. 😂😂
Last week I went to go sit on someone’s couch and tell them about my life. I know I need help and someone to vent. Each day I’m because of shell of myself. I know and thats the crazy part. I’m waiting for these people to reach back out to me, so I can set something up soon.
As the days go by I’m becoming angrier. I have these next two days off so maybe that will help.
Sunday and Today were hard days for me. I’m trying hard to get out of the rut, but it seems like everything is going to hell in a hand basket. I’m pretty sure I’m suffering from depression at this point. My mood goes from happy to sad. To the point that I can stand to see myself… my reflection scares me.
I want to sit down and talk to someone but I can’t seem to find the time, so I’m trying to deal with it internally but I’m 95% sure that it’s not working.
At this particular moment so much is going on in my life. I wish I was able to talk about it but I can’t right now. For those that know me, know exactly what is how. Buy they can’t seem to help.
I dont know what I feel or how I feel, or it I feel at this point. Part of me want to feel anything and nothing if that makes sense.
Maybe venting or expressing myself in my space will help. Can’t hurt to try right?