I’m about to be as honest as I can be. I feel like I’m on auto pilot. Trying to hide what’s really going on in my head.
Like depression doesn’t go away. I have good days and bad days. I feel like the ones that should be paying attention aren’t. I push people away and get mad when they stay away and carry on with life. Like you don’t notice?
I feel like most people don’t consider my feelings. And I’m not talking about strangers you know. I’m fine. I’m good. When really I’m not. I lack the assistant of those around me for any outlet. So when I say I’m on autopilot I’m just moving because I know I can’t stop because no one will help those I care for in my household. I’ve been silence because what I say bothers most and they feel a way and have to explain to other when they ask am I ok.
I had a conversation when one of the people I actually talk to and I said. I don’t really talk to my sisters about what’s going on with me mentally or whatever because I know what can happened if I do. So the conversations I choose to participate in are general or surface conversations. And if you know me that’s not me. I barely want them around for various reasons. But I know I’m not emotionally safe for fear it will be used against me. Or one who I dont really talk to will use it to attack me later. Talk about PTSD.
My daughter is another trigger. Like I avoid conversations because they randomly lead to arguments. Like over the stupidest stuff. She lives her. But helps when she feels like it. So I’m mostly fending for myself even when I’m overwhelmed. Like part of me wants her to go but I worry about where she will end up. After many arguments she stated I’m a bad mom. For not knowing whats going on in her life, as if she tells me. Also, she can’t talk to me (she also said thats why no one in the family talks to me also). And last but not least, Idk her. Ummm okay? Everyone that knows me knows her tone when she talks to me so yes I tune her out and/or check her. But apparently I’m doing it wrong, (what are aunties for) at least thats what my family says because I should take in account her feelings.
So back to it just being me. And they wonder why I have migraines my blood pressure is up and my hair was falling out. Holding everything in is costing me. Tell me why havent I called this therapist? Because when would I have time. And imagine me talking to her while home and my daughter decides to come down and argue with me because I’m talking about her at some point. Yeah….
I don’t want to play victim as my son’s dad will say when he is verbal abusing me. But hey my family or my sister still talks to him even after he made threats to me and hasn’t seen his son..oh my bad a few days before his birthday he took him to the corner store for snacks and left. But even letting him take him gives me anxiety because he never tells me for how long or whatever and if Im not home it can potentially turn into an argument.
I hate when you go thru something that is traumatic to you, and people seems to think you should just get over it. They make you feel like it was a one time thing and your dwelling on it too long. How am I supposed to move on when my feelings and emotions are all over the place? If I’m not working or doing mom stuff I want to sleep because that’s the only time I don’t feel things.
I saw this pic and it helped me so much. Because I felt like I needed some validation that what I’m feeling is okay. That’s sad to me. Why do I always need validation to be okay with what I’m feeling?
Today was a tuff day for me, well yesterday since its 1 am. It started out fine but I allowed people to effect my mood. I cried a few times in a room by myself. You ever just be done…. like exhausted from having the same conversations over and over again. You are too drained to exchange the words, so your tears just take over because you can’t?
Thats where I was. I cried alone hiding under my covers and cooking dinner thinking about the shit. I just need peace and when you have no where to go to get it.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror half the time. I look at me and just feel defeated. Sorry I just need to get this out of my head. Im fighting battles I can’t win.
This last two weeks, Im starting to feel like myself. I have yet to find someone to talk to but I have gotten out of the house to enjoy some time. The lady I met with 2 weeks ago told me to map out time for myself and I have been trying to.
I need to find a work out because of all this stressing has had me back on some pounds. And I’m not ready to buy clothes. I see all these workouts and I have yet actually do it.
Still working on finding someone and my happy self.