I hate when you go thru something that is traumatic to you, and people seems to think you should just get over it. They make you feel like it was a one time thing and your dwelling on it too long. How am I supposed to move on when my feelings and emotions are all over the place? If I’m not working or doing mom stuff I want to sleep because that’s the only time I don’t feel things.
I saw this pic and it helped me so much. Because I felt like I needed some validation that what I’m feeling is okay. That’s sad to me. Why do I always need validation to be okay with what I’m feeling?
Today was a tuff day for me, well yesterday since its 1 am. It started out fine but I allowed people to effect my mood. I cried a few times in a room by myself. You ever just be done…. like exhausted from having the same conversations over and over again. You are too drained to exchange the words, so your tears just take over because you can’t?
Thats where I was. I cried alone hiding under my covers and cooking dinner thinking about the shit. I just need peace and when you have no where to go to get it.
I can’t look at myself in the mirror half the time. I look at me and just feel defeated. Sorry I just need to get this out of my head. Im fighting battles I can’t win.
This last two weeks, Im starting to feel like myself. I have yet to find someone to talk to but I have gotten out of the house to enjoy some time. The lady I met with 2 weeks ago told me to map out time for myself and I have been trying to.
I need to find a work out because of all this stressing has had me back on some pounds. And I’m not ready to buy clothes. I see all these workouts and I have yet actually do it.
Still working on finding someone and my happy self.
Last week I went to go sit on someone’s couch and tell them about my life. I know I need help and someone to vent. Each day I’m because of shell of myself. I know and thats the crazy part. I’m waiting for these people to reach back out to me, so I can set something up soon.
As the days go by I’m becoming angrier. I have these next two days off so maybe that will help.
Last night I had a dream and my mother was in it. We talked about my son and his diagnosis and she told me she knew what I was going through and wished she was here to help. I told her I missed her very much and I wished she was here everyday. I know we had our ups and downs like any mother and daughter but we loved each other and that’s all that mattered.
I had a meeting with the new team from Perform care called CMO and the lady was asking about my support system. I swear I wanted to burst out in tears. Everyone says they are here to help, but you find out real quick it’s not the truth. Truthfully, they could handle what you deal with on an everyday basis. But at any rate we will see how this program works out.
Fast Forward To Friday
This week alone I have had dreams about my mom at least 3 nights. I really wanna get to my mom’s gravestone. I hope it’s there because with the weather and all this other jazz the last time we went it wasnt placed. I’m going Sunday.. I don’t care who goes and who doesn’t. I feel like going to visit her ans voicing my thoughts and opinions to her will some how help me through all this.
I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know if I’m depressed or not. I would go see a therapist but I don’t have a sitter. I don’t know I have to figure something out. I realize it just me and my crew against the world.