I feel like I’m on an island on my own and with a few real folks around me. Like I can’t. They ask me why I withdraw and its because no one protects me, my peace and nothing I say matters. Everyone gets to do and say what they want to me or about it and somehow its justified with people that should have an issue with it.
They wonder why I keep things to myself. I’m literally done talking. I’m over it all…
Everyday is a struggle for me. Depression can be a scary thing. When I get in my head its the worst. I just sit for hours crying. A few nights back it hit me, I was just crying and crying and I couldn’t help feel helpless. I didnt want to feel anything and when you feel that way, the best way to feel nothing anymore is death. It was that extreme for me. My only saving grace was my son. God saw fit to have him up and around me even when I tried to be alone he didnt leave me. I knew I could never do that to him. But I need help. I thought about checking in somewhere, looked it up too but I thought of him. I know he is tired of seeing his mommy like this. I know he doesnt understand. Half the time I’m stress sleeping or crying. I have had therapy appointments that keep getting psuhed back hopefully this next one happens because I can’t keep going on like this.
Its a year later and I woke up at the exact time my world changed with this heavy on my mind. How can we unlove a person who did the most devastating thing to us? I wish it was that simple. Knowing that a half as apology and slight blame can remove the pain. I thought I was past this but I see that I’m not. I’ve been through crazy shit because of this, as the rumor mill goes I can remember being in utter disbelief that this was happening to me. To someone I loved, more than I loved myself. From someone I just wanted to respect me and show me that same kind of love back. Its crazy, cuz my name still get drug thru the mud as if I did something to him. I was a fighter but I didn’t really fight back because even in that moment I was thinking of him. Thats crazy. I don’t harbor any ill will towards him, just want a genuine acknowledging of the wrong that was committed against me but I guess the only thing I will get is what I allow. I’m working on love me. But it hard when I can’t even recognize the person I see in the mirror looking back at me. I swear I can’t trust myself anmd my heart to protect me. Part of me wishes that when I hit the bottom of those steps I never got up because it was at the moment I lost the strength within me.