When you don’t trust your judgment of people you allow in your life. You kinda fall back. Especially, when you are working on loving yourself. Sometimes they can see and smell your brokenness and they pounce. Its not you, its definitely me. I allow myself to get lost in your potential that I can see, while I missing exactly who you truly are. Made that mistake many times over and I’m working on not repeating it.
Tell yourself, you love you and mean it. Thats probably the only person you will believe outside of your family.
Today I woke up thinking how quickly unloved someone. It doesn’t seem possible on my part. I have wonder how simple things could be. We try and move on. But the hurt pulls at us. I wondered to myself and maybe it will sound stupid but what if he actually had the balls to apologize. How would I feel? What would I do or say in response. I’ve made up in my head how I would respond or whether not I would. I feel like I most likely walk off. In my head I would accept it but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing so. Its weird tho… like I feel better typing this versus saying this out loud. I know if anyone heard this they would think ill of me or call me stupid. Like I wondered did I really love this man or the idea of his potential? But I think I accepted that I truly allowed myself to let my guard down and allow myself more with him than I have anyone in a long time.
As I walked home from work yesterday, I thought of my son’s father. How he may have been hurt to know that although I loved him dearly what I felt didn’t match what I felt for this man. But maybe I’m wrong. But I know I had my guard up with my son’s dad. I didn’t feel emotionally safe with him. Where as this man made me feel that way, even though I found out it was not true. Nor was a physically safe.
I didnt mean to hurt my son’s father by feeling this way. But I guess now I understand his hurt.
The lessons I’m learning and the time I have to think of this as I am. Idk maybe it will help with me moving forward.