Posted in mood, Personal, Reflection

I pledge

I pledge to myself that May starts a brand new chapter in my life. I will no longer allow things or people to make me unhappy. If it’s not preserving my peace, than it doesn’t need to be around me. Many of times I given into others to make them happy or not be mad. This time, I have to be selfish because losing who I am, is no longer an option. Despite all the pain and tears these last few months God has been there to bless me. I’m grateful for those who were there to let me vent, cry and just came around to me be there. It’s been hard, slowly getting back to the woman you guys used to know. But striving for so much more!!!

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Posted in Thoughts

Shell Shocked

Definition of shell-shocked

1: affected with shell shock or combat-related post-traumatic stress disorderShe sometimes had psychoneurotic cases on board, shell-shocked men whose behavior could not be predicted.— Doris WeatherfordSassoon was familiar with such rough-and-ready treatment, part of which encouraged shell-shocked soldiers to repress their memories of the trenches, shake themselves out of their depression, and carry on manfully.— Roger J. Spiller

2: mentally confused, upset, or exhausted as a result of a highly stressful or disturbing and often unexpected event or experienceShe was shell-shocked, reeling from her loss in Iowa and polls that showed her cratering in New Hampshire.— Joe Kleinshell-shocked consumers were pledging their allegiance to the “New Frugality.” Chastened by the brutal lessons of the worst economic downturn in decades, Americans swore off conspicuous consumption and resolved to embrace the thrifty ways of their grandparents …— Stefan Theil

 

It’s the first time, I can say that phrase can be directed towards me. I just have a conversation with this person I love and they asked a question and in true fashion I felt like I would regret answering it. But since as usual I was being honest I blindly believe it would be okay. Or he would believe me and just like that it didnt go that way. I regretted my answer just as soon as I said it. The phone called end, and then a call back. First thing out my mouth is I don’t wanna do this, I don’t wanna argue. I know no matter what I said it won’t be believed.

As much as he tried to assure me it was fine, in my heart I knew it wasnt. I lost focus and started to panic, my body shook and I couldn’t continue the conversation. I tried to explain and I couldn’t. I dont like feeling that way. You know that nothing you say matters, even when you’re being honest its gonna come back and bite you in the ass.

In that same instance, it felt like I was reliving every moment that ever this happened. Didn’t matter whether I was expressing my feelings or answering a question. Somehow, it almost always turned into a shit on you festive. Making me feel like I was a worthless human being. Nothing I could ever do would be right, nothing prior matter in these moments of epic fail I was shown the error of my ways. Or my feelings clearly didn’t matter. Which would have me in an emotional tale spin.

And then I realized I don’t wanna feel this way.

Smdh… I just wanna be happy is all. I wanna feel loved, respected and appreciated.